Open letter to the Australian Weather

Hi  Weather,

We haven’t met, but I see you all the time on television. I absolutely adore what you did with our forecast during June and July – you know, the WINTER months?

So now the compliment sandwich has finished it’s complement aspect…

I don’t know if you’ve had a rough week, or your boyfriend just broke up with you.

But girl, you need to calm the fuck down.

Yesterday I was in direct line of your BFF the Sun, and I was getting backsweat WHERE THERE SHOULDN’T BE BACKSWEAT.

boy1-so-hot-i-feel-weird-boy2-i-hear-you-man-even-your-crotch-is-sweating-boy1-y-yeah-sweating-boy2-sniffs-do-i-smell-spermies_c_3434631

Okay, i’ll admit it.

I stink.

Badly. 

My mum (adorable as she is clueless), suggested I should have surgery ON MY ARMPITS – because they smell that bad.

When I’m trying to sell stuff, I really don’t need to have the wavering odor of corpses protruding from my underarms at the same time.

Hell, was it really that hard to chuck a random cloud in there sometime, you know to let my BLOODY PORES BREATHE?

What’s the go with the wind too girl?

like I had NO BREEZE yesterday.

I was drenched in sweat – my SOCKS were swimming in it, my armpits smelt like dead eggs, I looked like an absolute mess – combined with screaming at people to buy various cheap Chinese toys.

I probably looked mentally deranged.

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To be honest,there’s reason to worry when signs in Australia go past ‘extreme’.

Since we are a culture of lists, here’s my:

Top 5 things you can fix about yourself, you crazy bitch. 

Now I’m not asking for much. 

  1. Some RAIN would actually be lovely, fuck the mosquitoes. I can complain about those when I feel them. Do I need to do a bloody Rain dance or something? Because I WILL DO IT. I don’t have friends and my reputation will not precede me. By all means, feel free to rain on my parade. I’ll  even sacrifice some old carrots i have lying in the back of my fridge.

    (Water) – I NEED IT!!!!!!!
  2. And when I say Rain, I don’t mean the thundery-stormy type (which I also know you’re a fan of at this time of year). Just the nice gentle drizzle that moves people out of the park and gets me home sooner.
  3. What the heck is going on with this humidity too? Like I like my saunas just as much as the next person, but honestly, Do I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO GO BACK TO LIVING IN CAIRNS? I DON’T. 
  4. Also, feel free to rain all during the weekdays when I’m working. But girl, when I have my time off I want to actually get a tan this summer to prove I go outside. So please, just rain on certain days. NOT when I intend to go outside and look  reasonably cute.
  5. Finally, do you see my car just chilling out of the garage there? THAT MEANS RAIN ON IT. I don’t intentionally put my car outside for birds to adorn it with their shit. When I see clouds, I EXPECT rain. Don’t keep messing us around like this.

So Weather, I know you’re probably not feeling that hot right now, but can you just pull your head out of the clouds for a fleeting second and fix this damn psychedelic pattern you have going on?

 

Many thanks,

Anna Freeman.

 

 

 

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