We haven’t met, but I see you all the time on television. I absolutely adore what you did with our forecast during June and July – you know, the WINTER months?
So now the compliment sandwich has finished it’s complement aspect…
I don’t know if you’ve had a rough week, or your boyfriend just broke up with you.
But girl, you need to calm the fuck down.
Yesterday I was in direct line of your BFF the Sun, and I was getting backsweat WHERE THERE SHOULDN’T BE BACKSWEAT.
Okay, i’ll admit it.
My mum (adorable as she is clueless), suggested I should have surgery ON MY ARMPITS – because they smell that bad.
When I’m trying to sell stuff, I really don’t need to have the wavering odor of corpses protruding from my underarms at the same time.
Hell, was it really that hard to chuck a random cloud in there sometime, you know to let my BLOODY PORES BREATHE?
What’s the go with the wind too girl?
like I had NO BREEZE yesterday.
I was drenched in sweat – my SOCKS were swimming in it, my armpits smelt like dead eggs, I looked like an absolute mess – combined with screaming at people to buy various cheap Chinese toys.
I probably looked mentally deranged.
Since we are a culture of lists, here’s my:
Top 5 things you can fix about yourself, you crazy bitch.
Now I’m not asking for much.
- Some RAIN would actually be lovely, fuck the mosquitoes. I can complain about those when I feel them. Do I need to do a bloody Rain dance or something? Because I WILL DO IT. I don’t have friends and my reputation will not precede me. By all means, feel free to rain on my parade. I’ll even sacrifice some old carrots i have lying in the back of my fridge.
- And when I say Rain, I don’t mean the thundery-stormy type (which I also know you’re a fan of at this time of year). Just the nice gentle drizzle that moves people out of the park and gets me home sooner.
- What the heck is going on with this humidity too? Like I like my saunas just as much as the next person, but honestly, Do I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO GO BACK TO LIVING IN CAIRNS? I DON’T.
- Also, feel free to rain all during the weekdays when I’m working. But girl, when I have my time off I want to actually get a tan this summer to prove I go outside. So please, just rain on certain days. NOT when I intend to go outside and look reasonably cute.
- Finally, do you see my car just chilling out of the garage there? THAT MEANS RAIN ON IT. I don’t intentionally put my car outside for birds to adorn it with their shit. When I see clouds, I EXPECT rain. Don’t keep messing us around like this.
So Weather, I know you’re probably not feeling that hot right now, but can you just pull your head out of the clouds for a fleeting second and fix this damn psychedelic pattern you have going on?